Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Morgan Freeman will be the narrator at his own trial.

   Did you know you don't need a parachute to skydive? You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice...

   A married couple in their 60's gets a vist from a fairy. Who says I will grant each of you a wish. The wife wish for a 2nd honey moon. Poof. Two tickets on a luxury cruse liner appear Husband I'd like my wife to be 30 years younger than me Poof he's 92

   Her: How deep is your love? Me: 8 inches. 3 if you actually have a ruler with you.

   I don't care what anybody else says. "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch" is the greatest diss track ever written.

   Don't you hate it when someone is willing to take the credit when something is a success, but when it’s a FAILURE, it’s ALWAYS, somebody else’s fault?

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

   We are 3 months into 2019 and it's still January

   I thought my pet rock was sick... Turns out it was just stoned

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, was he voted as Most Likely to Secede?

   I don't understand people who say the moon landings were fake? I mean what did the government spend the 24 billion dollars on? To pay hundreds of thousands of people working on the Apollo program to sit around and play checkers?

   That moment when you hit the submit button and realize you just misspelled a word you went over 100x's with your 7 yr. olds spelling words.

   I'm allergic to photos of your cat.

   A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Then again, we'd eat less hot dogs if they were called "pig lips & horse nipple tubes".

   2 THINGS THAT DON'T MIX - Me and my ex

   There's no difference between instant maple & brown sugar oatmeal & an oatmeal & raisin cookie so screw the system, I'm eating the cookie.

   Casey #notguilty is like saying, I havn't eaten in the past week, when I ate a sandwitch 30 mins. ago..

   would be very surprised if some of my friends were missing tomorrow

   Ok , rapture already! Take me an leave Beiber, or vice versa, whatever !

   Feels sorry for the astronauts on the space station. If the world ends who will bring them supplies?