Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner? ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first. 
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I can't be the only one who’s first instinct when a fly lands on their computer screen is to try to scare it with the cursor.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up. Stools: OK!
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
today I'll be celebrating MLK day...I'm going to sleep in late & have a dream
Did I miss the Superbowl again? Darn that's like 20 years in a row.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
My account has hacked, but if you receive an inappropriate message, it was probably still me.
direct deposit: $1400 me at Nike: you do it.
I'm wondering...did Bruce Jenner get a father's day gift on father's day, a mother's day gift on Mother's day, or gifts on both days? If he gets gifts on both days, then this all makes sense now.
Hillary should be indicted. Trump will do something where he should be indicted. We're screwed. Eat Oreos.
Just how can these folks afford to buy all of these weapons and ammunition while on Welfare and Food Stamps anyways? Last I checked those items really don't qualify for Food Stamp Purchases.
If you love Jesus more than your husband then start praying the next time you need a jar open.
Half the world is in a race war and the other half is running around catching Pokemon with their phones, and I'm just sitting here on my couch waiting for football season.
I think an eye doctor should run for president in 2020 with the slogan "a perfect vision"
Monica Lewinsky was asked if this was Bill Clinton's best speech ever. She said, "Close but no cigar".
Women that wear blue eyeshadow have a Motel 6 shower cap in their purse. 