Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm at a point in my life where I'm just at a point in my life. Something I would say if I was drunk in a bar called ''Point in My Life.''

   I'd marry a woman based on her ability to make gravy...

   What kinda shoe do pedoophiles wear? White vans.

   If you're a guy and you hit girls with anything other than your d ick you deserve to die.

   I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I get distracted easily becau

   I organized an office party at work today. It was a great laugh, until my boss unexpectedly walked in.

   Went to the doc's for my prostate check up. Is it normal for both his hands to be on my shoulders during the exam

   So we're expected to believe the 500,000 people who won't bother to get a state issued ID are actually going to bother to vote??

   Madonna would definitely eat babies if it meant just an extra moment of youth.

   Avoid arguements about the toilet seat.........use the sink!!!

   Some guys shave their balls, but real men tweeze.

   “Leftover Bacon” – a phrase you've never heard before.!!!

   Hey North Korea... It's no coincidence one of our atomic bombs was once named "Little Boy"

   someone needs to engineer some jokes

   The economy is so bad, a truckload of Polish immigrants was caught sneaking out of the UK .

   Ladies... If your going to post "Selfie" pics from the bathroom... Can't you atleast make sure the toliet is not in the picture...

   I am pretty sure that Dennis Rodman is qualified to be a Democratic Congressman from California'

   The problem with love is that though we get to chose who we love, we don't get to chose who loves us back.

   My dog tore up the sofa so I chewed up his dog bed. Eye for an eye, Dawg!

   you know your getting old when you put your foot up on a cement curb so you can tie your shoe.....and you step on your nuts!