Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank God Facebook is back on-line! How would I ever find out what everyone had for dinner. Chicken souvlaki. BTW.

   Never hit a man with glasses...try using a baseball bat.

   there anything sadder than seeing someone with a dog picking up dog sh*t? Actually, maybe somebody without a dog!

   The only thing worse than being up at 6am is still being up at 6am.

   X FACTOR FANS! If you're missing Gamu, don't worry! From next Wednesday you'll be able to sponsor her for £3 a month!

   reminds you that you will never hear her repeating gossip. So you better be sure to pay attention the first time.

   If napping was an Olympic sport I would be on a Wheaties box!!!

   likes to think that when she squishes a spider, its final thought is, "Good. Being a spider is miserable."

   The Christmas package of Wild Turkey now comes with bail money and pants.

   I am going to open a coffee house and charge more than Starbucks. The sign above my cafe will be written ever so elegantly, "Voler Votre Argent."

   We can put a man on the moon. Create a device the cooks food in minutes if not seconds. We have GPS and smart phones. But we can't even cure the common cold??

   's laugh is so contagious they created a vaccine for it

   life's a b***h, but she throws one hell of a party..

   I hate it when people steal my ideas before I think of them.

   people get hurt when others don't have the nerve to say what they truly feel

   me and procrastinating have this love hate relationship going on.... but I'll do it later...

   House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.

   Actual Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

   BP Spewing More Lies Than Originally Estimated

   packing for beach vacation - cross the oil off the list