Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in Dos Equis Man voice... " Lebron's game doesn't always disappear, but when it does he prefers the playoffs"

   Of course I'm crazy, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong

   its come to my attention its been sometime since many of you have brought the noise/and or funk

   If you say your grandpa is looking down at you and smiling I'm just going to assume you also have one of those mean drunken roof grandpas.

   Whoever coined the phrase "The Buck stops here" has obviously never ever carried my poor wallet!

   Saw a lady in line at grocery store... Could tell she was single by the ammount of cat food she bought

   I'm hoping one of the new scenes Lucas adds to Star Wars involves Jar Jar being brutally killed

   To tell you the truth, whenever I see a woman who is happy, she's married and whenever I see a man who is happy, he's single!

   Be nice to your laptop/smartphone today. SkyNet was supposed to become self-aware last night, April 19th 2011. If all goes well we can avoid Judgement Day tomorrow.

   the royal wedding is as close to porn for females as you're ever gonna see...except Twilight

   Don't go knocking on death's door, ring the doorbell and run, he hates that!!!!!

   I always used to make fun of my ex about the sex tapes we made, but she was a good sport, she always took it on the chin.

   My plan to train the world's first tap dancing spider would have gone better had I not freaked out and stomped it to death whilst screaming like a little girl.

   I think I have pretty nice nipples for a guy. Not bragging, just stating a fact.

   I'm thinking I should have told the truth. Where's my granddaughters justice now?

   The next time you feel the need to post a picture of yourself holding a phone in a mirror, don't. The word tool first comes to mind.

   The DOW is up 200 points. NBC is down 2 1/2 men

   When a woman says "I know what I want", you know she is lying.

   feeling like a boss when you type without looking and you dont make any mistakes

   Maybe cupid should shoot himself with his own damn arrow then maybe he'd see how much love hurts