Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well, well, well.... If it isn't that thing that gives me water out of the ground.

   You guys wanna know why my wife and I have such a great relationship? Its because I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

   Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.

   Quick shout out to all the girls that are in their period and haven't told their boyfriends yet.

   Always tell your girlfriend the truth...the carefully edited truth.

   playing a fun drinking game. Every time somebody says "you can't drink alcohol in the office" I have to down a shot.

   the waitress asked me what I'd like to order...I said "**x on the beach"---she misunderstood me and got me the drink!

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits I mean they would own an ice cream store, and the benefits would be free ice cream.

   If your not pissing green tomorrow, you're doing today wrong.

   in this day and age, slow and steady dont win anything...nitrous induced breakneck speed and partial mental instability wins the race...

   What's up with Melissa Gilbert's prison tattoos?

   Wwhen my wife is angry wit me, instead of giving me the silent treatment..........she jus keeps talking!

   Hmmm. Better get started on my taxes.

   If you had a sad or lonely childhood you're gonna be REALLY depressed by Bank of America's options for a security question. Unless you remember the name of you're imaginary friend or pet rock.

   You may have over 300 friends but in true life when you're older you can count the amount of friends you have on one hand.

   When life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.

   /Sometimes I like to let the pastry cream from my eclair slide down my chin and I whisper "mommy likey" to myself. I'm lonely.

   Am I the only one who has their life flash before their eyes when they sit on a cold toilet seat

   The neighbor's baby is wearing a baseball cap. Like anyone would pick a baby for their team.

   do women shake the gas pump after filling up? or is that just a man thing?