Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Living in a nudist colony, takes all the fun out of Halloween.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign in it. "I don't share my candy. Go away!"

   Cant, made plans to have insomnia again tonight.

   Okay so plus size is in. That lets me out. I'm calculus size.

   Wreird AirBNB Listing: Stay for FREE in 3 room luxurous home. However if owners return unexpectedly please vacate immediately.

   Am I the only one who thinks it's crazy Angry Birds got a movie before Zelda or Halo?

   I can't run from my problems because I am out of shape.

   Breaking News -- Family Guy's Quagmire loosely based on a young Bill Crosby.

   Worst Wedding Processional Song: Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats"

   When I want the entire beach to myself on Father's Day, I wear a Speedo.

   Day 781 of P90X: I carry my car to work everyday.

   Mrs Browns Lovely daughter must have a lovely daughter of her own by now shouldn't she ?

   Bad Inspirational Quote: Life's like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get - like anaphylactic shock for unlisted nuts.

   If anyone goes to a house without a dog or WiFi, should you wonder how many people are buried in their yard?

   Judge a coworker not by the color of his skin but by the content, volume, and length of his ring tone.

   Be the reason that HR has to send out a memo every 4th of July reminding everyone that fireworks are not allowed in the office

   Suddenly wishing that I hadn't purchased the alien abduction insurance plan with a high deductible for all my camping trips this summer.

   Got fired from my job because apparently having your secretary bring you a martini while using the bathroom is frowned upon.

   PUBLIC ANNOUNCMENT: There are no Pokemon in my home. If you burst through my door looking for one you will be greeted by a 17 year old cat and my 12-Gauge shotgun. Thank you for your cooperation.

   Things I Joke About: 1) TV Shows/Movies. 2) Stuff I see on the internet. 3) 'That's what she said'. 4) Serious matters that should never be joked about and part of the reason I'm going to hell.