Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to your 40s, you don’t even know why but you’re angry.

   With facebook down I went back to doing those little things we sometimes overlook while it's up, like keeping the dishes from polling up in the sink, folding the laundry on top of the dryer, finishing reading those books I started reading and showering.

   Never put all your eggs in one basket.....unless they're chocolate.....and it's my basket

   If you care more about what others think about you than what you think about you, you're doing it wrong...

   I wonder what Mark Zuckerberg does to kill time?

   There's a very fine line between "I'm not doing anything ight now except looking at Facebook" and "I'm not doing anything right now because I'm looking at my Facebook"

   I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

   ‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’ - Christian Rock

   I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist's office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I'm passive aggressive.

   I'm getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn't the one who's supposed to be crying during our sessions.

   My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can't remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

   me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me bartender: no me: ... excuse me? bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

   I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

   If it weren't for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

   I'd rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

   My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That's why I take so many naps.

   ME: Alexa, am I drunk? TUBE OF PRINGLES:

   choosing the perfect podcast to listen to for the 20 second walk taking the trash out so I don’t accidentally exist in silence for a single moment of my life

   Has anyone ever bought your kid a whistle? You might be entitled to financial compensation.

   Everyone knows that your eyebrows are drawn on, we just wish you'd make them lightning bolts once in a while.