Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DON’T CLICK on the quiz titled “What kind of plumbing device prevents the unwanted flow of liquid or gas?” It’s a trap!

   You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

   I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

   Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

   Fake meat fans, do us normal folks a favor. Shut up already.

   Sex after 60 is like playing pool with a rope

   Sometimes I wish Whoop-ass came in a spray bottle instead of a can.

   If a menu item costs a dollar, you give up all rights to complain about it, even if it has pubes in it...

   When you realize that Strap-On is No Parts spelled backwards.

   I know words. I have the best words. I just don't know how to spell them.

   I don’t have any nudes but can I interest you in a picture of me elbows deep in a bucket of fried chicken?

   Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like the Killer is going to think "I'm going to kil... ahh damn it, he's under the blanket!"

   The cemeteery has raised its burial cost. They're blaming the cost of living.

   I don't rise and shine, the best I can do is get up and gripe.

   I wish there were private counselors who would meet you at a chipotle and let you pour your heart out while you stuff your face.

   I guess winning the Super Bowl wasn't the happy ending Robert Kraft was looking for.

   Somewhere at this moment there is a masseuse with a ring from Super Bowl XXXVI walking into a Pawn Shop.

   I can't get over how intelligent smartphones are getting as mine just filmed a 20-minute documentary about itself all on its own about its life in a pocket.

   When you will lie about anything, you will lie about everything.

   Give up carbs?? Over my bread body!!