Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?

   It’s going to be a lot harder to overthrow the US Government on Pinterest.

   So. . . Are they gonna use the NFL cardboard cutouts for an audience?

   Just give the Hedge Funds a 600 dollars check. They will be fine.

   I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I'm Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

   Fear of Corona is on the decline....... Release the Murder Hornets.

   Got invited to 4 different Halloween parties how am I going to go to all of them you ask?? Easy.... I'm going as Hillary Clinton's emails...that way you won't find me

   I miss Rodney Dangerfield.... now there a great comedian.

   Have you ever been to Columbia ? 2 biggest exports are coffee and cocaine.. and the place still looks like crap. You're gonna be up all night anyways, pick up a broom once in a while.

   Dick Clark is dead, secret service is out buying hookers, and Miley Cyrus is starring in a new movie called "LOL." The Mayans were right: 2012 is the end of the world.

   I sometimes think of Siri as my wife on account of her voice & how she's always misinterpreting what I'm actually f'ing saying.

   Life would be much easier if Christmas decorations grew on trees.

   I went and saw beauty and the beast the other day, it wasn't as interesting as I thought it would be. He was pushing a cart and she was drinking a diet coke while sifting through the 5 dollar movies at Wal Mart........

   oh no.....this woman in the Walmart express lane has Midol, Pamprin, and shotgun shells in her buggy.....Lord just get me out of her safelyt

   I dieted for a month and all I lost was 30 days

   It's called flirting when you're in a relationship, and being friendly when you're single.

   I hope your affairs are in order. Harold Camping says today is rapture day. Again.

   No doubt, a woman's body is home to the world's best man-caves.

   UGGS: The onomatopoeia of footwear.

   Change is inevitable. Unless you need it to feed the parking meter. Then it's nowhere to be found.