Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Whenever I get called for jury duty.., I wear my American flag onesie so the lawyers know my brand of justice is pure. 
Alright bed, be warned! I will kick your ass with some hardcore sleeping! Like five hours worth!!
Give yourself an even greater challenge than the one you are trying to master and you will develop the powers necessary to overcome the original difficulty.
Thighland a country or an awesome strip joint?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
wow, already December? Time flies when you've been drunk since March
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Ya all complained about Jlo at the Superbowl snl look what you got, Jock strap Face
wife: did the stimulus hit our bank account yet me: *surrounded by 237 Crunchwrap supreme wrappers* n-no
She blinded me with science!
Well, Chemistry...
Mace. It was mace.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at a time
True love means never having to pick just one hole.
It doesn't make it right, but there isn't a politician alive that hasn't lied or cheated to get elected.
Bob Seger is a much improved chess player. He's been workin' on his knight moves.
The clinton emails can't be that bad....Aaaaand they're trafficking children.
All this spending on Black Friday! Y'all better pay that electric bill first, or next Friday will be Black Friday too 