Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Johnny Depp is the one guy that could've used an amber alert.

   Doctor: Says here you get offended by strangers on the internet. I’m writing you a prescription for two testicles.

   Girls in 2012: touch my butt and buy me pizza. Girls in 2022: choke me and hit me with your car.

   Were you a kid who stirred their ice cream with a spoon until it was soup, or were you normal?

   I’m sorry, the internet has ruined me. Whenever you say “shingles,” all I see in my head is Sean Connery scrolling through a dating app.

   The opinion of 10,000 men is of no value if none of them know anything about the subject.

   It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.

   My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.

   When they can no longer control you, they will try to control what others think of you.

   The closer the collapse of an empire, the crazier it’s laws.

   Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

   If you’re afraid to live your life, then you have already died.

   Want to get back on your feet? Miss two car payments.

   When she kisses you goodnight, but only on the forehead. “You forgot the pickle.”

   When you’re on your 8th “dam, that’s crazy,” and they’re still telling you their story.

   When you click “accept cookies,” but then you don’t get any cookies.

   A mistake that makes you humble is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.

   There is no rule that says you have to get married and start a family. Normalize sharing a mansion with your five best friends and ten dogs.

   Eating spaghetti and my white shirt is like, “let me taste it.”

   Saw a store sign that read, “We treat you like family.” Well, NOT going in there.