Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is reading all the 's' word in the dictionary. I think she's up to something.

   I don't get why people pay $600 or more a month in child support. According to the Sally Struthers, you can feed a kid for 35 cents a day.

   I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.

   I saw those Italy videos of people singing in Italy so I started singing to my neighbor and one lady told me to shut the *&^% up

   Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

   The Gov. didn't have to issue me a stay at home order, my wife did that years ago.

   The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

   I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer

   My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

   A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

   Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

   In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach

   [first day as an Orderly] *gets fired for disorderly conduct*

   We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.

   Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.

   I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!

   My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

   Neutering our dog was the best thing we ever did. Made him less nuts.

   i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately I don’t know anything

   I hope we’ve all come to the realization that huggers were the problem all along.