Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon When I was a kid, people often said that I was the "little engine that could." Turns out that I'm the "big old caboose that couldn't."
←Rate | 09-26-2020 16:19 by Fazzy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Id rather get Covid-19 than Biden-20
←Rate | 09-26-2020 09:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whoever named them "sugar cookies" could've tried a little harder.
←Rate | 09-25-2020 13:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon i don't usually brag about my friday night plans but i'm at a party with seven dogs so
←Rate | 09-25-2020 13:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
←Rate | 09-25-2020 13:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why haven't Fruity/cocoa pebbles teamed up with a milk company to make the flavor of milk that has the taste after you eat the cereal
←Rate | 09-25-2020 13:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon HEALTH TIP: If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, Google it before taking it.
←Rate | 09-25-2020 13:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
←Rate | 09-25-2020 13:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
←Rate | 09-25-2020 13:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
←Rate | 09-25-2020 13:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So what do you get when you spell strap-on backwards?
←Rate | 09-25-2020 10:28 by Fuktard Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just attended a concert headlined by the band Disturbed. Evidently everyone in the mosh pit has been infected with COVID 19 - they're all Down With The Sickness!!!
←Rate | 09-25-2020 10:11 by Fuktard Comments (0)  


   messageicon I kept dreaming about mufflers all night long mufflers, mufflers, and more mufflers. I woke up exhausted.
←Rate | 09-25-2020 10:04 by Fuktard Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've social distancing most of my life - now everybody's doing it. Now I'm just waiting for everybody to experiment with autoerotique asphyxiation.
←Rate | 09-25-2020 10:01 by Madman Comments (0)  


   messageicon It used to be a sign that you were low on money when you took all of your loose change into the store. Today, because of a national coin shortage, I kinda felt like I was flaunting my wealth.
←Rate | 09-25-2020 09:51 by Fuktard Comments (0)  


   messageicon So the nurse was explaining that they needed a semen, stool, and urine sample. I thanked her for being so quick as I tossed her my underwear.
←Rate | 09-25-2020 09:43 by 509guy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every website for a restaurant should go straight to the menu.
←Rate | 09-25-2020 09:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon turning older than 12 years old was the biggest mistake of my life
←Rate | 09-25-2020 09:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
←Rate | 09-25-2020 09:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
←Rate | 09-25-2020 09:06 Comments (0)  



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