Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 10:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So, Biden was a Senator for 100 years and VP for 8 years and all of a sudden, he has a bunch of great ideas on how to improve the US??
←Rate | 12-06-2019 10:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street. Cop: Those are traffic lights, what's exactly in the thermos ma'am?
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon COP: someone's been cutting everyone's christmas lights but not yours ME: I have no idea why a crustacean- I mean person would do that [my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Store Clerk: Happy holidays Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS [we just start choking each other]
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids' gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, "Don't get me anything for Christmas."
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Sorry about your dress." "Sorry about the nudity." "Sorry I kept calling your wife sir." - Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I like to wake up super early, eat a good breakfast and read some of my friends inspirational Facebook posts to help start the day off right before going back to bed.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"
←Rate | 12-06-2019 08:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother's wives bras
←Rate | 12-06-2019 08:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was so mad at my parents when I found out Santa wasn’t real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 08:44 by Rickster Comments (0)  

   messageicon I know what I’m getting for Christmas …Yeah that's right, Fat. I’m getting fat.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 07:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon poor old pelosi has gone through three sets of dentures
←Rate | 12-06-2019 06:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder which one of Justin Trudeau's "two faces" does Melania want to sit on?
←Rate | 12-05-2019 21:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At the summit breakfast as Boris left the table he said cherrio to Donald who responded no Honey Bunches of Oats.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 21:24 Comments (0)  


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