Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you watch Godzilla vs King Kong backwards it's about two monsters who forget their differences and build a city.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The baby gets really annoyed when I try to undress him. He gets that from his mother.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only beachfront property I'll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to doouches.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Before Drake started saying YOLO did you guys think you could live twice or something?
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You're practically begging for typos.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you're the worst employee at a toy factory
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you think about it, James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman tickling each other would pretty much be the greatest thing ever.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just had a new winch installed on my boat. Ship just got reel.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My daughter has decided to become a vegetarian. I'm frying bacon.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder if spiders get as ticked off as I do when I walk through their webs.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your legs.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Okay, I can't take it anymore. What in the heck holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on. Me: ok (later at home) Me, talking to my blunt: I'm sorry I called you fat.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M's it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!” Wouldn’t t
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:30 Comments (0)  



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