Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New Presidential Executive Order: All DNC Trolls must now only fly United Airlines

   Who remembers when we had a census of a coming ice age, so the government & EPA made all vehicles get catalitic converters that made cars get less milage & use more gas, which made more pollution so we had to stop acid rain,&ozone holes. SCIENCE RULES lol

   EPA/Science: If we dont do something about Water War, Food War, Ice Age, Acid Rain, Ozone, Over population, Solar Flares, Y2k, Cimate Change/Warming/Weather, we will be dead within 15 years.

   Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.

   Damn! Trump really hates the LGBT community. I don't remember any president openly come out as a bigot and proud of it.

   I just executed a North Korean Squirrel.

   Fyre Festival Attendee: "I'll have a cheese sandwich." Fyre Festival Host: "Here you go, that'll be $1200.00." FF Attendee: "Hey, still cheaper than a sandwich at the airport."

   Trumps latest slogan...Make America Golf Again!

   I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after

   My inner self is in Photoshop

   As a kid getting sent to bed was a punishment, but now leaving my bed feels like a punishment

   The number 5 is pronounced "ha" in thai so 555 is slang for "hahaha"

   Who else has this problem? "I want to start eating my meal, but I can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat"

   DR. check his vital signs, NURSE: He's got 4G coverage and his battery is at 60%

   Your boyfriend/hubby is always beating you up and you say its "Gangster love",no its not,its WWE SMACKDOWN....you dating John Cena!?

   My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.

   Im too honest to live in poverty. I have a job.

   It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.

   The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.

   Woke up to the sound of gunfire this morning. Luckily, my wife is not a good shot.