Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-ass, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-ass into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.

   The only thing worse than being stuck behind someone driving less than the speed limit is being the passenger of someone driving less than the speed limit.

   Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere

   Scars are tattoos with better stories behind them.

   Ahhh, the sound of silence on Twitter. I thought I'd never see the day.

   A cop pulled me over and asked why I was driving so fast. I said you look like the cop my wife left me for and I was afraid you were bringing her back!

   Amazon is buying Whole Foods for $13 billion. Ironically I think I spend $13 billion at Whole Foods also.

   let a blind guy borrow money tonight,he said he'll pay me back next time he see's me...wait a minute......

   I've figured out how to solve the problem of the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at veterans' funerals. We aim the 21-gun salute at them.

   When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.

   I know a guy named Unique, has a twin brother.

   Happy Father's Day to all you mf'er's out there!

   Hey dad, thanks for not pulling out..

   Jeff Bezos: "Alexa. Buy me something from Whole Foods." Alexa: "Buying Whole Foods." Bezos: "$h!t."

   I miss the good ole days of sitting on the porch at nite watching the bugs fry on the bug zapper. How we would laugh and laugh.

   I am all for the death penalty, but I think we should make it interesting and fun. Make it a game and play musical electric chairs. When the music goes off one chair gets a nice charge. . .

   I saw a guy hit 2 good balls today playing golf. He stepped on a rake.

   Imagine: Naked in a room full of people who speak a different language & everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog. 🐕

   I wonder if Tupac will make it to his movie premier??

   If you are ever stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, give them each a 5-Hour Energy drink just before returning them to Mom and Dad.