Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

   The country is going down for the simple fact that some people really hate Trump. Let that sink in

   Heard O.J. is gonna give another stab at marriage...

   For sale solar glasses only used once. Paid $ 1.25 I would like to get $1.00 for them.

   New York: We just had a storm with 50 mph winds. Oklahoma: Hold my beer...

   Fun fact: in 1930 Ruth Wakenfield invented the chocolate chip/tall house cookie by accident.

   More bad news for Millennials. Hangovers hurt worse the older you get...

   i can't believe no American radio station played total eclipse of the heart yesterday, what a waste of an eclipse

   I'm glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.

   NASA: don't look up at the eclipse without the required glasses Trump: what does NASA know? I have amazing eyes. Best eyes you've ever seen

   I waited until today to buy my eclipse glasses when they are 50% off.

   My wife now has a broken nose and a black eye because wouldn't listen to me. I said "Honey! Look out for that lamp post!"

   After today there will be two kinds of people in this world: people who saw the eclipse, and people I want to talk to at parties @cbquist

   my bodies a temple...Well more like a catholic church,, full of wine bread and guilt...

   Eclipse glasses for sale. Slightly used

   I am sure glad no one got a picture of my full moon....

   WTH did the Groundhog see its shadow or not???

   For Sale: Eclipse glasses. Like new. Only used once. Make offer.

   Me tomorrow: yea I'm calling in blind today management:: what ? Me: saw the eclipse yesterday I can't see myself coming in today

   Go Home Eclipse!! You are Drunk!!