Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.

   You can either be an illegal or go to college in the USA but you can't do both

   I think Aliens are controlling the climate that's why we have to put an end to DACA

   Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil??

   From the smell of things, people should be more concerned with underwear change than climate change.

   I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

   Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone's throat.

   The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.

   I went to a psychic to get my fortune told, but I realized she was a fraud the minute she accepted my check.

   My boss wants me to go to Time Management training today. Yeah, like I'm really going to be able to squeeze that into my already overloaded schedule.

   Florida is going to be covered in stripper glitter and cocaine pretty soon.

   watching football the same way Colin Kaepernick does... sitting on my couch

   If you stubbed your toe, it probably was Trump's fault

   I really wouldn't be worried about Hurricane Jose, there's no way Trump will let him into the country....

   Wife: I'm going to have a baby! What do you hope it is? Husband: April Fools Day?

   I'm sure those pesky Russians are behind these hurricanes!!

   Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.

   As soon as them illegal dreamers is gone, I'm gonna get me one of them technology jobs they stole from me.

   Don't forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.