Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   :) Fun fact: Coca cola (coke) and other cola drinks would be green if not for the caramel coloring they add to it.

   Hurricane Irma: Hillary's only chance for her book to fly off the shelves in Florida.

   Why are you just now "Feeling Determined"?

   FOX News compares the confederate monuments to the 9/11 memorials.....Okay, if you say so. They're FOX News, they are always right, right?

   "Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.

   Hurricane Irma flooded Florida so bad, the septic tanks in the sewer system have started to over-flow. I guess Florida is now a brown state.

   Do you ever see your memories pop up here on Facebook and think to yourself "wtf was I thinking" I do. Just about every damn day.

   In Iran, if a woman commits adultery she gets stoned to death. In the U.S., if a woman commits adultery she gets to be a guest on Jerry Springer.

   Life's too short to wonder why I have no pants on while hugging you. Don't make this awkward.

   Florida officials are telling people to stop shooting their guns at hurricane irma, and it would not make the hurricane go back. How did humanity become this dumb?

   I have nothing funny to say this morning. My creative license was revoked.

   I don't like making plans because then the word "Premeditated" ends up as part of the charges.

   I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

   Q:Do yo want to know how to tell if you're listening to a Jason Derulo song? A: He will tell you in the first 19 seconds.

   It's really ironic that I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.

   I am curently baking the air in here @400° because I am not turning the heat on yet!

   Do you ever wonder if the bank just look through your account and think what the heck is this person doing

   Who do you hate the most: people who post about their gym workouts or people who post about every time they go to church?

   I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.

   In a gay casino, a queen beats a straight every time.