Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to a Mooslim birthday party laDamn if that wasn't the fastest game of Hot Potato I've ever seen!

   My doctor thinks I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I knew that's what he was thinking

   Did you hear about a guy that overdosed on Viagra? Yep...it was an open casket funeral!

   Nothing makes me feel like a kid again quite like waking up in drool.

   If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates

   Treat every problem like a dog...piss on it and walk off!

   Thinking about opening a center for battered fish...

   "I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!

   Alcohol and calculas dont mix. Never drink and derive.

   My wife thinks I'm too nosey.....at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I didn't drive there in the first place. Anyone missing a car?

   Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR

   America: the only country in the world where not wearing a seat-belt carries a bigger penalty then letting hackers steal 143 million citizens social security numbers, bank info, drivers licenses and credit cards...

   If the sun were your head and Pluto was the bottom of your feet, then Uranus would be about where you would expect it to be.

   BOUGHT A CAN OF WD-40 AND THE LID WAS STUCK ON TIGHT, SO I HAD TO GO BUY ANOTHER CAN OF WD-40 TO OPEN THE OTHER CAN

   Sticks and bones may break my bones...but whips and chains excite me

   My girlfriend isn't allowed to go see "IT" I'm the only clown in her life .

   I'm a wack a doodle teddy. I wack my doodle every time. While watching a porn girl with a big behind. That's how I spend my night time.