Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

   OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth.

   microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

   If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?

   Men, do not treat your woman like an object! It doesn't like that.

   Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout.... I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

   Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from last Thanksgiving.

   BREAKING NEWS: Colts defeated the Raider’s last Sunday in Las Vegas but hold all tickets as Nevada has called for a recount of the score so game won’t be official for a couple weeks or so!

   BBL payment plan is crazy. Now you workin yo ass off to pay yo ass off.

   It's beginning to feel a lot like, I'm gonna start wishing it was summer.

   My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

   A man and woman in Idaho became the oldest couple in the world to divorce — they are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup too...... She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.

   Last night My wife and I had words but I never got to use mine.

   How can folks find time to protest and work a job too? Oh yeah, Welfare.

   The Mets are moving the fences in to increase home runs they hit. Call me old fashioned but isn't that what steroids are for?"

   Every day around midnight, I'm shocked to find out it's only 6pm

   If you think your job is pointless, remember: There are people in Germany installing turn signals on BMWs.

   Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months. there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

   i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

   One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.