Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm glad I grew up in an era where "active shooter" wasn't even an idea. I'm sad for today's youth where this is now a reality.

   Trump just told the prime minister of Japan why a country of samurai warriors did not shoot down the N. Korea missiles. This is better than any reality show, LOL!

   No one is giving you free airline tickets, a week at Disney, a cruise or a cabin in the woods for a year. If you want those things, put down your GD phone, tablet or computer and get off your a$$ and earn them!!

   "I'm sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ~ Angus Young of AC/DC

   Only had to turn my clock back one hour instead of 20 years like I did last January

   My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.

   The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.

   Turn your clocks back to before Obama became president

   Gotta give credit where credit is due. Canada really schooled us in the UFC fight.

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] Me: I'm having an affair

   A cop came over and told me that my dog was chasing people on a bike....I told him, "Don't be ridiculous, my dog doesn't doesn't own a bike."

   I came into this world with nothing, and still have most of it.

   When these kids were saying on November 4th they were gonna be killing Nazis, were they talking about the new Call of Duty?

   [creating a sloth] God: Take that roadkill over there and make it blink

   Kinda pissed that OJ is living a better life than me right now.

   I've never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.

   Husband and I just burped at exactly the same time and it's the closest we've come to having sex this week.

   It's hard to hit on someone when you're holding a bag of dog crap.

   Kevin Spacy is innocent. He was framed by Kaiser Soze.

   If Stranger Things has taught us anything it's that we miss the 80's way too much