Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to another episode of Am I Dying or Just Really Tired?

   And I care about Charles Manson going to the hospital because?

   Just finished writing a book for new parents called “You Just Made a Big Mistake.”

   I bet you Trump pronounces the country 'Niger' with an extra "g" in the middle.

   People don't want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.

   The far right and the far left are both extremes and should be condemned equally.

   Nothing morally bankrupt about homosexuality, Obama said it was okay.

   Better vote right on all the left stuff and left on all the right stuff every ten minutes. I’m extremely immature.

   If you're constantly stirring the pot, not only should you be required to lick the spoon, but also have that spoon jammed up your butt. Perhaps that's your goal anyways.

   Beer tastes better when you have to work the next day, it’s science

   A man dining in a restaurant asked his server "Do you have frog legs?" The server replied "Yes". The man said, "Then hop into the kitchen and bring me my dinner!"

   The good news for AL Franken is this should make him a contender for President

   All these revelations of sexual harassment, groping etc coming out of Hollywood is horrible...but how is Richard Dawson not being mentioned? That dude used to do it right on TV (Family Feud)!

   Just because you're trash doesn't mean you cant do great things...Its called a Garbage Can,Not a Garbage Cannot.

   I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy... Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.

   I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation... My Czech is in the mail

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes...... "No hablo ingles."

   My Dominatrix is so cruel and kinky, she makes me drink orange juice right after I brush my teeth.

   I don't recall what I can't recall because I can't recall it. Jeff Session

   wife: I'm having a baby. me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have a baby as well.