Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dogs be like, "I can eat that whole cake in return for getting smacked on the ass with a newspaper? I'm goin' in!"

   I looked up lighters on Ebay and all I could find was 13,749 matches.

   I'm still a rock star I tell myself as I heal from a finger sprain caused by opening a jug of milk !

   You know Its bad when you give them a custom ringtone LOL

   I sure hope you like your Christmas gift... It's a year's supply of me!

   I got an email today from a bored local housewife who said she was looking for some "hot action." So I sent her the ironing

   Question, Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

   Cops have new drunk driving tests. There’s one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Nancy Pelosi & ask you, ‘Is she attractive?

   Terraria has awoken

   If someone throws you to the wolves, come back leading the pack.

   I'm a Trust Fund baby. My parents trusted me to go fund myself.

   Dear Santa: For Christmas this year I want a fat bank account and a slim body with sexy abs, but let's not get it mixed up like you did last year.

   Guys, your wife works hard all day. Is it too much to ask for you to get the vacuum cleaner out of the closet and plug it in so that it will be ready when she gets home?

   Dense fog advisory. Couldn't you just say its moisture content doesn't go all the way to the top stratosphere? Calling it dense seems pretty insensitive.

   Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can't stop stripping.

   Don't laugh at adults that still believe in Santa Clause, we have adults that still believe in Joe's build back better.

   High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi.

   Where do I sign to get micro-chipped and controlled by the government, I'm tired of making my own decisions

   Have they released any official figures yet on how many lives were saved by taping arrows on the floors of supermarket aisles?

   If your main concern is what pronouns people call you, then you are one of the most privileged people in the world.