Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On Dasher, on Dancer, on Master Card and Visa.

   Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.

   I must be getting old. Since when does 2 to 4 inches of snow become a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called flurries, and we complained it wasn't enough to even have a good snowball fight, let along close schools.

   This is the first good sized snow fall of the season and honestly the weather on TV is acting like the terrorism threat levels just moved up a two.

   How was the winter solstice? I missed it because the stores were out of solstice glasses

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer. lol!

   my mind used to be like a steel trap, now it's like the cart you get at the store with the bad wheel

   why is Santa so jolly? Cause he knows where all the naughty girls live.

   guitar for sale - no strings attached.

   just had a near-work experience...

   The fact that we have to buy trash bags just to throw those same bags in the trash is why I'm angry today...

   My girlfriend Polly Esther never complains.

   "We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.

   If you never climbed across the living room furniture as a child, pretending the floor was made out of lava, or built a fort out of cushions and blankets, you didn't have a real childhood.

   I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.

   Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you said you were gay.

   Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.

   The phrase "hooray for our side" was coin by men who watched lady Godiva ride her horse side saddle.

   it a bad thing that Siri does not recognize my voice unless I have food in my mouth?

   Take your spouse to IKEA from time to time to check out the status of your relationship