Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I'm gonna surprise my wife with a new bag and belt for Christmas ! The old vacuum cleaner is gonna run like new now .

   If you want to know How many people you can spray down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.The answer is 18

   Call me old fashion, but I'm glad my mom was a woman.

   I'm sitting here wrapping Christmas presents with one hand. If any of you find a Band-aid in your gift, don't touch it.. I'm still waiting on the test results.

   Don't regret past mistakes. Your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. (Disregard this post if in prison)

   If I’ve learned anything from the Kardashians it’s that I shouldn’t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.

   Warning! If you get a link that says "Justin Barber sings Christmas carols" Don't open it! It's Justin Barber singing Christmas carols.

   Do I need to watch the first two seasons of COVID to understand Season 3?

   Santa put down the pen! I can explain everything!

   Bring funny back

   Just got back from a Rocky Mountain Oyster Fest in Colorado. It was Nuts!

   It's my birthday! I'm finally at that age where I can switch from health food to preservatives.

   No matter how old you may be, an empty wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to use to bonk someone over the head with.

   User is suspected as gay. Please report any Suspicious activity to discord staff.

   I am the reason why Santa has a naughty list.

   The White House hosted its annual Hanukkah party and everything was going great until Biden pulled on a rabbi's beard and said, "You're not Santa."

   I ordered my Biden deck of cards. But it's missing half the deck and the numbers are upside down.

   Today France's defense will try to last 90 minutes and beat their World War II record... not looking good.....

   I wonder how was God able to find some wise men when most of us men don't even know how to stop and ask for directions when we're lost?

   a few more minutes mom