Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there

   A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you" so I said "because my tweets are funny" We laughed and high-fived & now I'm in Jail

   A dog can only be as proportionally smart as its owner. So, if you're a mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger, there's no hope for you, and even less for your dog.

   Women have better minds then men because the keep changing their minds.

   Neighbor are the only one who lissen to both side of an argument.

   A man's home is his castle. Untill the queen comes home.

   I realized I wasn't my parents favorite kid when they ask me to help blow up ballonns for my twin brother's surprise birthday party.

   i went to the doctors this morning and accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents from home alone felt.

   I should probably return these videos to Blockbuster.

   French onion soup is just regular onion soup that doesn’t shave its armpits

   "Turn right at the next corner and your destination shall be on your left. But dwell not upon the destination, for it is the journey which is important." - Zen GPS

   If you can't win an argument with someone, correct their grammar instead

   Understanding women is simple. No means no. Maybe means no. And no means yes

   Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need more space to hang my clothes

   Changed Siri voice to male. ME: Siri, which way to the beach? SIRI: Dude just keep driving until you see a lot of water.

   If by "cruches" you mean the sound potato chips make when I eat them, then yes, certainly I do crunches

   One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2

   As a high school student, I think I was bitten by a radioactive sloth

   I know French too: Jean val Jean is French for "pants more pants"

   The most terrifying moment in life is when the toilet refuses to flush at someone else's house