Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So like, this baby mosquito flew for the first time and when he got home his Mom said "How did it go?" and the baby mosquito said "Pretty good I guess. Everybody was clapping for me."

   I thought about buying Hillary Clinton's latest book until Amazon suggested that people who bought this item also bought boots, plastic sheeting, lye, and shovels

   Drink a full big glass of FOX News Kool Aid to maintain that blissfully ignorant anti-American Republican frame of mind.

   Happiness is the best drug on earth and I want to be the number one drug dealer

   Some guy knocked on my door earlier today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I replied, "You've got the wrong house then mate."

   I'm selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.

   Some girls be claiming "hes my world" but this is your fourth "world" in 2 months. My sister, are you building a solar system??

   My Wife Rachel like tall slim guys, and I like older & shorter women. Neither of one of us are what we thought our type was yet & still we're living happily ever after together. Our type has changed into what we see in each other.

   If you cannot afford GYM membership, you can at least afford a Deodorant!

   Seriously its 2018, no one laughs at a joke, you just say LOL or like it and move on, we got no time to laugh !

   Why is Matthew McConaughey still on my tv in car commercial form? Have we learned nothing from our mistakes?

   Last night my refrigerator opened my bedroom door, walked in and stood there and stared at me for a few minuntes, then left and closed the door

   My wife likes to leave her shoes by the back door, so it always looks like 49 women with the same shoe size are over for a visit

   Cinderella is really a creepy story once you realize she had some odd foot deformity that meant no one else in the kingdom could wear her slipper

   You can have a salad on the side but just make sure your significant other salad nevers finds out

   I guess I should watch the Grammys to see who our next President will be.

   Ths girl tweeted "your adorable" and I tweeted back "no, YOU'RE adorable" and now I think she completely missed the typo

   I am now at the age that I understand the joy on game shows when someone wins new kitchen appliances

   I keep my credit cards in the refrigerator so they stay fresh past their expiration dates

   I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it's about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.