Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.

   It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.

   It’s safe to unplug your Christmas lights until next year.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

   Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.

   Elon Musk fired 8000 employees and Twitter is working just fine. Makes you wonder what they were doing all day long.

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   If it’s out of your hands, then it deserves freedom from your mind too.

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.

   “I want the truth!” Independent fact checkers, with the direction of the FBI, have concluded that you can’t handle the truth.

   The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.

   Man injured in a bizarre peek- a- boo accident...He's in ICU.

   Too old for SnapChat. Too young for Life Alert.

   I’m drinking coffee right now because people think you’ve got a problem if you drink vodka on a Saturday morning.

   Please punch in your account number, phone number and the last four digits of your social security, so I can transfer you so they can ask you for those same numbers again

   Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder.

   waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for