Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The most effective way to remember your GF's birthday is to forget it once

   If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you

   My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My Housemaid thought it was a weighing scale. Conclusion: My Housemaid weighs 750 dollars.....

   You're not satisfied with your life? Complain about it on Facebook, God must be subscribed to your updates

   why do they call it delivering a baby if you still have to take the baby home yourself?

   The shooter most likely got tired of not been able to skip ads on youtube

   the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

   I already finished my chocolate bunny. Next year I want a chocolate moose.

   If you receive a text/forward that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend while forwarding it, thanks

   The larger the implants, the more likely women get confused by a push/pull door

   My doctor told me to stay off sugar until I’m done taking the meds he prescribed, he has 28 twitter followers, what does he even know?

   I told my kids the Easter bunny is lazy...He didn't even cook or color the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge

   I am making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.

   I love millennials. Their are so many parallel parking spaces they don't know how to park.

   What if April 2 is April Fool's Day and we've been April Fooled all this time?

   "don't put all your eggs in one basket" .....good thing we use store bags

   Ghosts be like "I'm evil, I've been here for hundreds of years and you should be terrified. And the best example of my fearsome power will be to close this door a little bit."

   I have a night light in my room because it makes me feel safe. Nothing scares a monster more than a low wattage light bulb shaped like a Donald Duck.

   The busiest person at the White House is whoever has to update the office contact list.

   Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.