Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the glove doesn't fit, you must use lubricant. -Diddy...,,, probably

   The economy is so bad right now, I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

   Post the four words every girl wants whispered in her ear.

   Amazing Fact: Donald Trump has been shot at more times than Tim Walz.

   I've been on Facebook for 16 years. I remember when this was all farmland.

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

   The worst thing to step on in the dark is someone else's foot when you live alone.

   Meme caption

   Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can’t watch Breaking Bad.

   Winter's coming. Bright side...Taylor Swift albums make excellent kindly.

   Nurse: There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him? Doctor: Tell him I can't see him today.

   I don't mind drinking 1% milk as long as the other other 99% is some combination of vodka and Kahlua

   STD:Stop the Donald. Don’t let the disease spread.

   IF you had to lay down on your bed to zip up your jeans this morning you might wanna consider calling in thick today.

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

   What did the little black boy get for Christmas? My bike.

   .I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check

   Two morons are sitting on a fence. The big one fell off, why didn’t the other? He was a little more on.

   For those of you that watched the debate, I basically did the same thing, only when I was done picking my nose, I had something to show for it

   I spent 2 years in therapy for my Phil Collins addiction but I did it. Against all odds! Just take a look at me now!!