Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scott Pruitt has quit as head of the EPA to pursue his true passion - buying lotions and used mattresses from various hotels.

   Now that Scott Pruitt is gone, I fully expect the new E.P.A. Chief to eventually admit that manmade global warming is real and then quickly attribute it to gay marriage.

   James Woods' agent dropped him, but Scott Baio's agent has already found him a role as a Sandwich Artist at Subway.

   When preparing cereal, why not throw on some limes’s and pickles for that rich fruit and pickely flavor burst.

   Kind of ironic that a basketball team from Oakland, CA would have GSW on their jerseys..

   Calm her down. Women love to be calmed down.

   My friend's dog is tough. I interrogated him for over an hour and he still wouldn't tell me who's a good boy.

   I like that you hate me a little. It shows respect.

   Alexa, what the hell are these Asian ladies saying about me in this nail salon?

   Everyone's a submissive if you squeeze their throat hard enough.

   I ONLY beg in the bedroom.

   I’m not a sore loser, thanks to Vicodin.

   Always plan ahead...... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

   I don't need Google...... My wife knows everything.

   Careful! That's my only VHS copy of "The Money Pit".

   I want to grow old with you - me, to my couch

   I sexually identify as please stop talking to me.

   I am not who you think I am. YOU, are who you think I am.

   Pour a drink while you pore over the poor grammar.

   So you took pictures of fireworks tonight? Post all 50 of them- we really want to see!