Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Birth control pills are only tax deductable when they don't work.

   When the smoke detector sounds, I know the dinner my girlfriend is cooking is ready.

   Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?

   To show my girlfriend I liked her cooking I had a second slice of her gravy.

   Old track star: "When I was young they use to time me with a stopwhatch. Now they use a hourglass."

   I ask my wife why she never blinks her eyes during sex. She said I never had the time.

   Claustrophobic people are more productive outside of the box.

   Looks like those tariffs will finish off the family dairy farm once and for all. Too much winning!

   I wonder, what would Trump do without FOX News?

   s there ANYONE out there that when they see or hear the name 'Aaron' they don't say out-loud or at least think A-Aron?

   West Virginia is just Virginia's white suburb...

   Let's get married. Whoever gets out with their soul wins.

   my boss: you're fired [pauses porn] why

   “I have a taser in my purse” - me flirting

   Why isn't anyone at this beach lowering their sunglasses to check me out?

   If you call your parents by their first names, we can’t be friend.

   A movie about dating a person in their 20s would be called 2 Fast 2 Curious.

   I just apologized to a chair for walking into it. Let's focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.

   Dating in your 20s: I love you so much. Let's get married! 30s: We get along pretty well. We should live together? 40s: I guess you can stay the night but don't touch my damn stuff.

   They say that opposites attract...... So I'm looking for a drug adicted unemployed drunk girl.