Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who ever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy.

   I'm not saying my wife is overweight or eats to much, but I had too put an engery saving lightbulb in the fridge.

   That Roy Moore skit on Who Is America is still making me laugh.

   I love you more then a click of your like buttons.

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers have a Fold cycle? It's 2018 for chrissake!

   You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

   You always hear the wife complain about their husband leaving the toilet seat up. But you'll never hear the husband complain about the wife leaving the toilet seat down.

   What does verizon and a port a pot co. have in common. They both give sh*tty service.

   I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

   Me: I think I'm having a heart attack. Her: Give me your phone code so I can call 911. Me: Never mind, I'm feeling better...

   The coffee's not cutting it this morning. So please help me activate those "Feel Good" dopamine chemicals in my brain by liking this status. Thanks!

   Wives are like newspapers. They have a new issue every day

   If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.

   Life is just one, giant, wrong hole.

   I'm at that delicate stage in a relationship where my bf is trying to untie the ropes to call the police.

   If I'm reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

   "Did I ever tell you I played sport in high school?" - fat people

   Netflix should probably just start asking "Is there someone I should call?"

   My mating call is the sound of a lone chainsaw in the night.

   It's hotter than a spoon at Demi Lovato's house.