Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.

   When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

   Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”

   Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add that to our resumes.

   The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

   IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.

   Has decided to be fully delusional this year and see where that takes me. Because, being sensible hasn’t gleaned the results I’m looking for.

   Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.

   Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

   I have 2 dozen Large eggs , will trade for a New Snowmobile or Small truck

   Will trade toilet paper for eggs.

   Marriage tip 101: It is very important that your wife understands Commandment Number 1 in regards to marriage: "Thou shalt not nag". As soon as she understands this, she will grow in her duties and responsibilities as a wife.

   How do you politely tell a wannabe model on Instagram she is fat?

   When I die, I want a crank on the side of my casket that plays the Jack-in-the-Box song just to see who has the guts to crank it.

   You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

   Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

   The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

   If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

   If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other