Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most of being an adult is whispering “f*ck this” while doing it anyway. 😏

   Lady: How did you fix that horrible annoying noise my car was making? Auto Technician: We simply removed your Taylor Swift CD and replaced it with Van Halen. 😎

   Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂

   The secret to keeping a clean house is done by clicking on the last option under settings on Facebook.

   I got a job sketching suspects at the police station. I'm a con artist!

   It’s cute when you try to string words into a complete sentence.

   You’re living proof that it’s possible to live without a brain.

   I would slap the crap out of you, but there would be nothing left.

   There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thank you for helping me understand that.

   You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

   Glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.

   You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

   Most folks keep their trap shut when they’ve nothing interesting to say. Not you, your flipper flaps like the national deficit.

   You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

   Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.

   There are two kinds of people: Those who do whatever they’re told, no matter what. And, people who will do what is right, no matter what they are told. 😉

   When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔

   My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂

   Anyone: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but “fan” is pushing it. 😁

   (Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂