Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ex: I still love you. Me: “I’m gonna call you back, my damn fish is drowning”

   Going back to your ex is like reheating McDonald’s fries

   My anxiety has canceled more plans than bad weather.

   mike pence’s full name is mechanical pencil

   Do rednecks get fatter so they can have bigger tattoos?

   Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard. Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.

   If Lassie was a cat, little Timmy would've died in that well...

   I'd tell you guys a joke about chemistry but I know It wouldn't get a reaction and I would tell you a joke about a pencil but its pointless and my joke about leaches sucks and I have a feeling I might have told you the one about Deja vu before, so never m

   Did you know that coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, which explains why I don't really give eeffoc about many thngs until I'm finish drinking it.

   [laying on the couch this morning] Wife: I’d rather shave my poison Ivy covered legs and douse with paint thinner while listening to Nickelback. Me: ...a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine.

   Ain’t nobody going to treat me like the celery on a HotWing plate

   If you're really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.

   I have spend so much money on buying different clothes...without realizing the best moments of my life are spent without them.

   Paradox: When you get two pairs of Doc Martin shoes for your birthday.

   I'm sure not many Brits are relieved May ended before May ended

   I just bought a crappy car that was made in Prague. The Czech engine light keeps coming on.

   My wife told me to get rid of my Hall & Oates collection. I told her I can't go for that.

   If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high - the door is always open

   Coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, This is why I don't give eeffoc until I've had my coffee!

   If a medieval musician had a bicycle, would it be called a Minstrel Cycle?