Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box..... had to be a female......

   Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

   I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

   Bought myself a new roll-on deodorant today. Instructions said 'Take off top and push up bottom'. Five hours I spent in casualty

   "Do Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

   Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

   I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

   Bad decisions make good stories

   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

   What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

   I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

   says a cannibal is someone who goes to a resturant and orders the waiter!!

   Trust me...Even if I gave a sh*t I wouldnt give it to you!

   typing the postcodes of nudist colonies into Google Earth and pressing 'zoom'.

   Comes to earth when mars gets boring

   doesn't want a happy ending... that implies something has to end. Me... I want a fantastic right now!

   the real farther of Michael Jacksons children.

   if at first you don't succeed...skydiving is not for you!!!

   You know when you say "that thinga-ma-bob"? Does Bob say "that-thinga-ma-me" and when I'm talking to Bob should I say "that-things-ma-you"? In a proper setting is it "that-thinga-ma-Robert"? If 2 guys named Bob are together, do they say "that-thinga-ma-u