Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Anyone caught singing Christmas carols between now and Thanksgiving will be slapped.

   _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡

   Why is it that Volvic Mineral Water, which has been filtered through volcanic rock for millions of years, has a Best Before date?

   wondering who was the first to look at a cow and think;"ill just squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out of it!"

   had a handle on life, but it fell off with the wheel

   can hit the snooze button, with eyes closed, while half asleep, in 1.7 seconds, the first try, every time

   in the jungle baby! and gunna dieee!

   can't help falling in love with you... maybe electroshock therapy will do the trick...

   loves that you are nonodys friend until facebook tell you that you are.

   BREAKING NEWS: Barack Obama knocked down by reversing car. The American people are asking the driver to come forward.

   I have two nipples, and I aint sharing either one of 'em.

   A survey taken showed that 50% of people described sex as a "deep,meaningful,soul-bonding act of showing eternal love to your partner". The other 50% were men.

   ..really hates her boss. When I showed up 2 hours late,he shouted at me. I told him I had fallen down the stairs . He said "So? That doesn't take two hours!!"

   in Napa Valley looking for wine, but should be in the midwest, talking to Repubicans cause no one whines line a Repubilcan.

   I didn't hit you....I simply high fived your face

   wondering why the police officers never seem to think it's as funny as you do...

   "having a smoking section in a restaurant should b like having a peeing section in a swimming pool......." right??

   I wore a Michael Vick jersey to the dogpark. Yea, I'm a badass. What.

   I drank so much vodka last night that my liver is giving me the finger!