Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chocolate is a vegetable due to these reasons. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is processed from cocoa beans, and beans are vegetables.

   What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

   It's tax time. Every time we drive up to our new tax guy's office, he says the same thing. "You two weren't tailed, were you?"

   Bike week is near. Vrooom.

   I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

   If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

   The worst thing about being a vegan farmer is having to wake up every morning and go milk the almonds.

   So I think I came up with a new kind of coffee. I call it the mayo latte. A regular latte with a touch of mayonnaise in it.

   If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

   I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.

   You know you're getting older when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!

   Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

   Life is really just a big game of pushing the trash down until the next person gives in and takes it out.

   Hey, Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

   How did people know when Edison got the idea for the lightbulb? If it didn't exist yet, you wouldn't see a lightbulb above him that he just had an idea

   Someone should make a electric car company called "Edison" to compete with Tesla

   Marriage tip: Remember to always leave a healthy amount of cups and trash laying around your house. That way your wife always has something to clean up. A busy wife is a happy wife.

   Marriage tip: If your wife is slumming it around the house, just use your "Male-dominated voice" to tell her to get up, and get to work. She will respect you, and get up and do her job.

   Marriage tip #10: Whenever your wife can't decide where she wants you to take her out to eat, take her to her least favorite restaurant, and then order her her least favorite food item. From then on out, she will at least always give you an option.

   My dog understands several human words. I don't understand any dog barks. He must be smarter than me.