Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying...

   my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

   Boss: I've received complaints about your AA meetings Me: too boring, right? Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

   son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip me: I can do it son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

   If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

   [first day as an ambulance driver] ME: *crashes into a light pole* PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

   *Carefully measures exactly one serving of potato chips into bowl. *hands bowl to child, eats the rest

   Why didn't I think of nuking a hurricane?

   Tech support just asked my grandpa what kind of phone he has & he seriously said "kind of grayish"

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.

   othing is more frightening than accidentally making eye contact with a guy who runs a mall kiosk.

   My voicemail message is just me sighing for 20 minutes.

   The Internet is like alcohol, it gives people courage.

   Butter should re-name itself, "I Can't Believe It's Not Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Xanthan Gum and Other Artificial Flavors"

   i saw a license plate yesterday that said 'i miss new york,' so I smashed their window and stole their radio

   "How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."

   Just discovered that I'm willing to drive 35mph over the speed limit to prevent a PT Cruiser from passing me.

   i signed up for the cheapest life insurance I could find, it entitles my family to a tray of Wendys hamburgers when I die

   I've been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.

   We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain