Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..5p from every voodoo doll she sells is going towards the Haitian quake relief. The Gordon Brown one is selling like hotcakes..

   If I could turn back time I'd slap myself silly the moment I was in Home Depot and thought it was a good idea to buy a padded toilet seat. Never...EVER... get up too quickly from a padded toilet seat

   loves playing "who can use the least amount of toilet paper so you don't have to change the roll" game....

   the other night, I caught my girlfriend in bed with another man. I said, "Get off me you two!"

   Baldly going where no man has gone before…

   if you ever feel upset and depressed, just remember, you were once the fastest, most victorious sperm in the bunch.

   **Warning** It turns out Farmville is a virus that will eat your life away. Side effects are all your friends hate you because of your tacky updates & you're getting fatter from sitting online all day playing. Delete it ASAP and stop being a Tool.

   ever notice how Black History Month is the shortest month of the year?

   always keep your words soft and sweet... just in case you have to eat them..

   You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

   Bear Grylls would eat that

   Some Harvard guy said that acid would open our minds, pot wouldn't hurt us, and cocaine was benign.

   The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

   Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

   My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

   During sex my girl always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

   Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

   I flirt with you it doesn't mean I'm interested, it just means I'm awake

   what you see is what you get this is me I cannot change the way I am because then I wouldnt be me

   playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed.~