Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if everyone looked like their celebrity doppelganger and really matched their urbandictionary meaning, I could eat butterflies and poop rainbows.

   some people come to Facebook just to air out their "dirty laundry", others just don't know how to clean it.

   I woke up this morning and turned on the tv. This tv evangelist was on and he said"you may not know this, but already you have SINNED." I said what could I have done? I just woke up.I'm not even out of bed. I turned and asked my sister and she didn't know

   doesn't have a drinking problem. He drinks. He gets drunk. He falls down. No problem...

   using a lightsaber to chop vegitables.

   in the words of the chef on the muppet show - "Orshky Borshky Chicken!"

   Dont sh!t where you eat...A friendly reminder brought to you by The Stop Being A Dumb@ss Association.

   a lesbian trapped in a mans body.....

   Sometimes God turns you upside down so you can learn to live rightside up.

   No unwilling people were harmed during the making of this status. Viewer discretion is advised

   Hard work never killed anybody, but it does keep you off Facebook.

   that a person who really loves you is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everoyone else still believes in the smile on your face

   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

   To think, it takes time. To think what to think takes even more time. To think what you just read takes less time.

   Virginity is not a dignity.It's just a Lack of opportunity.

   Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

   Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

   There is no such thing as "normal". There is only a lot of weird people doing the same weird things.

   behind every good man is a woman and behind her another man stairing at her butt

   The only contribution some people make to society is carbon dioxide.