Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   reading his friends' statuses and adding 'in bed' to the end of each one.

   nodding off at the computer. I think I've been here too long. Just one more website and then I'll check my facebook page again. Oh yeah, I gotta make sure I got that email. After that, I'll go to bed.

   When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock on someone's door and run away before they answered. Nowadays, it's known as "Parcelforce"

   Watching NASA TV and the launch prep for STS-120 ... and I am somehow jealous that they get to leave the Earth.

   when someone asks you what time it is..glance at your watch and say "it's either 6:15 or mickey has a hard-on." guaranteed they'll ask someone else.

   I wish every relationship I was in had a money back guarantee or at least a 30 day free trial

   Facebook isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble

   Some stuff gets better with age, other stuff feels the effects of gravity.

   fell asleep at the wheel while driving...started dreaming of the same road that I was on...except I was in a different car..thank god I was dreaming in real time.

   looking into the future. Everything looks good for me. But as for you, you're totally f***ed!

   a vegetarian, not because he loves animals but because he hates plants!

   I remember when wearing Hollister meant you have money, not wearing Hollister means you ran out of money

   starting to feel like she is just a character in some other planets Sims game, and the stairs for the swimming pool have been removed...HELP!

   I came into a girls house, those stains never went away

   President Obama has invited a group of top Republicans to watch the Super Bowl with him at the White House. That should be a lot of fun. They're gonna need a two-thirds vote before they pass him the Doritos.

   ..to me, a Super Bowl is one that's full of snacks that I don't have to share.

   So exactly how many "become a fan of" or "join a groups" that promises a free something does it take for people to finally figure out that they don't work? I mean good lord, gullible much?

   Always remember that the choices you make may have serious repercussions. The regret I may feel later from the hot wings I eat earlier is a perfect example.

   After getting out of bed and not seeing the shoe that one of my dogs left in hallway, I have come to the conclusion that gravity is a b!tch.

   I have decided that I am not overwieght, instead I am a nutritional overachiever.