Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old "gyne and dash."

   SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow. ME: *paying bills online* I'd wait

   Me: I miss the good old days Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope? M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit W: I despise you

   Don't waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

   When someone rings my doorbell, I'm every bit as upset as my dogs.

   therapist: what's your biggest fear me: ghost chameleons bc they have therapist: [gasps] double invisibility

   Dating in your early 20’s: Show me your abs and buy me beer. Dating in your 40’s: Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

   Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

   Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today, and I'm feeling like such a good girl.

   A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

   *putting a top hat on my dog* Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

   : Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic. Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.

   The news is so fake. Trump University is still active and running stronger than ever.

   I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous but I'm proud to say that I still we are the same size shoes I did in High School!

   Watching the VMA Awards: if Keith Richards saw what music has become, he’d be spinning in his grave.

   Fact: China denies his claim that they reached out about a trade deal. What is is it going to take for you to wake up?

   Does anyone else notice that if you mention the clown HEre they try to bury it?

   My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you. So I took her to Subway... and that's when the fight started...

   Happy National discriminates against “Cat” Day!

   Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.