Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would like the PETA people not to have a cow because some people like to eat a good steak.

   riding the escalator the other day, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half..

   The best part of life is when your family becomes your friends, and your friends become your family.

   Today's Tip: Be kind to your fellow man....remember to courtesy flush.

   I bet Curious George's owner is getting his azz pinched off today for St Patty's Day

   I had a fight with the wife and didn't see her for three days... Then the swelling went down and I could see her out of one eye

   its all fun and games until someone presses charges!

   The richest person is not the one who has the most,while he is the one who needs less.

   St. Patricks Day. The only time of the year when people are proud of having a bit of Irish in them.

   traveling through a maze.. In other words he's amazing

   gonna stand outside, so when people ask where I am you can tell them "He's outstanding!"

   that a keg in your back pocket? Cause I'd tap it

   You are the rain to my showers, the April to my flowers, the fresh to my air, you are the sun to my set, you make my day beautiful.

   wondering if I get stopped for speeding in a Toyota can I tell the officer I had a "Prius-exisiting condition?"

   "Every leader that is willing to go forward has got to get used to getting wounded and scarred by those he's willing to live and die for."

   sure i'll sign oprah's pledge to make my car a cell free zone... it'll free up both hands to hold my grey goose bottle.

   's son left his action figures in the bathtub, and Batman is now most definitely in the wrong Batcave!

   First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has...

   Squirrels - Nature's Speedbumps

   hired a russian housemaid today,it took her 5 hours to hoover the house....turns out she's a slovak.