Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.

   Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife

   I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

   The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public :-)

   had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."

   A husband's last words always has to be 'OK buy it'.

   An archeolgist is the best husbany any woman can ever get. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her

   According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

   When a man gets up to speak, people listen, then look. When a woman gets up, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

   Survey reveals what women feel about their Azzes. Only 15% women feel their Azz is too big. Remaining 85% say: We don�t care, we are married to them.

   The teacher asked students to write an essay on 'If I were a Millionaire'. All students started writing except lil John. "What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" I'm waiting for my secretary,

   Three stages of marriage:1st Mad for each other, 2nd made for each other, 3rd mad because of each other.

   Written outside a temple:Why should we beleive in GOD?because there are still some questions which cannot be answered by GOOGLE

   I have a blackbelt in Karate.Its not that iam good at it,its just I never wash it..

   Am I the only one that hears the ice cream truck, and reaches for the gun at the same time?

   I bet Burger King started making their cardboard crowns bigger when they realized their primary audience was drunk college students.

   Lecturing my kids about the dangers of alcohol would be a lot more effective if they didn't have access to my Facebook pictures.

   To make it easy on everyone, here is the correct pronunciation of the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull: THOR'S BUNGHOLE.

   Ever just met someone you want to put in a large trash bag filled with a couple cinder blocks and drop them from a bridge? No? Me neither.

   I just wanted to let everyone to know - yesterday I received my Obama stimulus package for 2010. It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish. Hope you get yours soon!