Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I took my dog for a walk and played Frisbee with him, but he was useless. I really need to get a flatter dog.

   The new version of Pac-Man was so awesome, it came with a search engine built into it... Can we have it back...?

   I never pick up the house phone....But run a mile for the Cell Phone.

   With great power comes a great electric bill...

   Can you call the Geek Squad if you just want to give someone a wedgie?

   This is today 8====> and this is me (_!_)

   I'm totally over LOST. I don't even care anymore. I don't miss it at all. Do you want to drive by LOST's house and see if it's home?

   Disinfecting my kitchen right now with the glass of vodka and Red Bull that I just spilled all over the countertop.

   It wasn't until Rick gazed upon a photo on her facebook after 4 kids, and 80 pounds that he finally stopped wishing he had Jessie's girl.

   As a man, it scares the hell out of me that North Korea has a missile called the "no dong."

     The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably generally they are the same people.

   I think you misunderstood me. I said "go phuck yourself" with a PH. So, that makes it cool and not remotely offensive... Phucktard.

   I feel sorry for our ancestors who used to have to wait days or weeks to hear from friends that they were laughing out loud.

   I think Eminem should become a dentist just so he can say "snap back to reality, oh there goes a cavity."

   Never end a sentence with a preposition. Incorrect: Thongs crack me up. Correct: Thongs up me crack.

   If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook

   T-Pain, 50 Cent,Drake, Nelly, Kanye West, LIL Wayne, Soulja Boy and numerous rappers from down south, you are all wanted for the murder of HIP HOP, HIP HOP was last seen in the late 90's and has disapeared since.

   Waiting 4 the day when 1 of the tri-nations lands(new zealand,australia and south africa)figures out how 2 play american football.then we'll own that sh!t 2.just as we did with england and their rugby lmao.

   I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache." "It's a migraine," he explained. "No, it's not, it's mine - and why the hell have you started speaking Italian?"

   Warning: condoms aren't 100% protective. Her friend was wearing one and he got run over by a bus.