Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

   Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

   I'd rather be late in this world than early in the next.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one had insurance. Don't kill him."

   My Girlfriend says I have a way with words..the WRONG way.

   The car stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out.

   just heard a rumor that President Obama is going to hire Servpro (Like it never even happened) to remove the remaining water out of BP's oil in the Gulf of Mexico........

   I fight evil wherever it may be....except in dark scary places.

   Can somebody please tell this b*tch nobody likes her...

   "hey, isn't smoking weed illegal?" replies, "Hey aren't half the songs on your iPod stolen?"

   Blind people must get stuck in bad relationships because they can't see other people.

   Dinner is no fun anymore since I stopped pretending I'm on TV when I'm cooking.

   I just watch a naked Chinese man run into a wall at full speed with a hard on. He broke his nose.

   Sure, I've done bad things in my life. But not "going to hell" bad. More like "Jesus is going to make me his b*tch in heaven" bad.

   Ozzie Guillen is going off the rails on a crazy train........

   Can everyone just go n help get all the water out of BP's oil!! Thanx!!

   Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

   giving a warning to America.... Wayne Rooney.

   To the girl who cut us off on the freeway. "James Joyce" told me to tell yoU - See You In Tea!

   An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere. The pessimist sees only the red light. But the truly wise person is color blind.