Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering if Jewish doctors get paid for doing circumcisions, or just get to keep the tips.

   discovered today that when a police officer says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?", you should never respond with "Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

   had some Korean meatballs last night. They were the dog's bollocks.

   once read a book about anti-gravity. I just couldn't put it down.

   My boyfriend told me that he was seeing someone else because he was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail.

   kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.

   hates it when old relatives come up to you at weddings and say, "You'll be next, dear". I'm sure they wouldn't be too impressed if I started saying that to them at funerals.

   thinks a city built on rock 'n roll would be structurally unsound.

   just had a bunch of underwear stolen. Cops are making a brief inquiry.

   thinks that 99% of the people in this world are complete morons. It's a good job I'm in the other 2%.

   fired her masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

   discovered last weekend that if you play a Nickelback album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Nickelback.

   used to work for H&R Block, but it was too taxing.

   waiting for boomerangs to make a comeback

   In Cincinnati, a women gave birth to two 10-pound baby boys. The kids are named Strech and Mark.

   Does the career advice, "Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?

   Knows that some people are like slinkies, there not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

   knows that arguing with you is like running a race in the Special Olympics, you might win but in the end your still a retard.

   Sorry, constantly quoting random bible scriptures isnt going to convince me. I could quote one the Twilight books and be just as profound. Twilight Eclipse, Chapter one verse three, "The."

   knows that hangovers are Gods way of saying you kicked ass last night.